We live in a world where emptiness abounds. We know something is lacking within our heart of hearts. It’s beyond what’s intellectually understandable. The struggle to finding certainty is beyond being able to mentally accept things at face value. It’s way deeper.
Choices. Sometimes, I simply come to a point like this. I still have an intact knowledge of who I am and how things are supposed to be. But I don’t live it all the time.
That is probably why I get by. But it’s not as it healthy as it should be. Being too contented with one’s pace would not be healthy. Being too passive would undermine one’s consciousness about the real consequences. Passivity is probably my disease.
Come to think of it. All these years, I probably had only a very thin connection with God. Now that’s relative. The description is valid because I tend to just get by. Maybe because that is how I was brought up, passively.
I’m describing the connection as thin because it is. I still don’t feel fully well how it is to be best friends with Jesus. I probably know. And, I might be able to imagine how such a relationship is like. But that’s a bit different from making the possibility a daily reality.
All I’m saying is that my mind can run and run and run and it gets me mentally tired. In times like this, I can just blurt things out without having a total emotional attachment to my thoughts. I write my thoughts out just to relieve myself. And, probably, to extract more sense from what I’ve been going through.
I just thought about two words. I’ve mentioned the first one. Passivity and impulsiveness. How can the two go together?
Well, they can go together within a person like me. Most of the time I’m passive. If something really attracts me, I can get really impulsive. So I can’t say I’m already self-controlled. That’s yet too far from reality.
But I know, I know. I need to get it right. My mind has probably just become an expert at reasoning. And I had too many rationalizations that I have forgotten to listen, really listen to God.
It’s just that I had to start over, again. It sounds too ambitious knowing the failings of the past. But there’s no way I should give up. There’s more to my destiny than just giving up. I should be thankful for the experiences that I’ve had in life — those that made me somewhat resilient. But too much of it makes me passive, and it’s not the best way to live the Christian life.
So, I’m here today, lacking some sleep, ending up not writing an “optimized” post. Maybe it doesn’t really matter, at least not this time.
It’s just time to unwind and unmind. I probably had been too mindful about my thinking or my rationalizations. I sound like I’ve been masking my face all this time. It’s okay. I just need to talk to God right now. I know He’ll listen. I’ll get there. I only needed time.
And, most probably, reality.