Knowing the Man before knowing any man

Blessed singleness. Ever heard about it? Well, let me tell you a bit of my own share of it.

I grew up not knowing very well the man through whom I was born.

It was definitely a disadvantage that was only later realized. Only when I had already been struggling with the consequences thereof.

Hence the distance.

I may have had friends who were boys and men enough. But not too many. It was difficult dealing with them. Not necessarily because I was mostly shy or unfriendly. I was and am still mostly phlegmatic. But that was not the barrier. I feel I could understand someone like me better than I could relate to men. Just because of a lack I had in childhood.

Till I caught a glimpse of the Man. The Man, Jesus.

I do not claim to have known Him completely now. I believe I will even be learning more of Him beyond this earthly lifetime.

It’s just that, while people may be pushing for hasty marriages because everybody had already been doing the thing, here I am staying single. I do not feel or see myself already ready. I know from principles learned from reading the inspired Word that marriage is sacred. That every point in a person’s character must be carefully watched out for before one should ever think of linking with that person for life. These are strong statements and there are many more. Many even come out more strongly before my eyes whenever I see from experiences of others how crucial a decision marriage is. It’s going to be tough for the choice to be made so hastily.

So I knew and am daily letting the conviction sink in that I’d be waiting. I was never even bothered before about this topic. I only recently had the time, the spare time, to consider thinking about it. Notice the emphasis. I was busy enough to dismiss the thought immediately whenever my little sister comes up with the topic. Maybe now that I am ending my five-year-and-a-half traumatizing graduate studies, only now, and in vacation time, that I had the time to consider the thing.

But nobody’s pursuing me.

For which I am thankful. Because I still have the time to fix myself. Oops, no. I mean I still have the time to be fixed by my Jesus. Or, better, Jesus is still actually taking the time to fix me and my entire life.

Because He’d rather let me know Him supremely than know any other man prematurely. And hastily.

And maybe He’d be coming back soon, I mean of course He’s coming back soon, but even sooner than I ever could be given the chance to experience marriage in this lifetime. And it would be totally okay.

Why? Oh, but why not? Why should the others react and tell me I’d be lonely?

Because they would never know, or even wish to know, how lonelier I would be if I rushed on. They wouldn’t be in my misery, anyway. They could only watch from a distance and regret the push. But I would not. I would not be pushed by the grace of God.

Because I’m committed to being on the wait. I may haven’t declared this clearly before but in this post, may the Lord see I am serious. He has placed such a seriousness in my heart anyway and in the first place. I don’t want to experience a miserable marriage. I’d rather know my Jesus more and in Him be firstly whole.

Hence this commitment. Lord, grant me the strength. No, grant me serenity. Grant me heavenly peace in resting my case in Your hands. I need to know You more. I need to be whole. I need to be contented with You apart from anything or anyone else. I need to find my sufficiency in You. I need to learn selflessness. I need to learn true service. I need to learn self-sacrifice. I need to put You first in my life and find my sufficiency in You.

I need to know You more, my Jesus. I need to know You before anyone else. Embrace me. Amen.

Becoming Real with God

The year that’s coming to a close has been tough for me. 2018 is a more promising one, given that, finally, by the grace of the Lord, I’d be out of the mire that I was in for so long.

There are stories to tell, though.

Hence this blog.

Heartfelt. Sincere. Real.

I should be real with my God now. He has been faithful all the while.